Pregnancy Is...

Pregnancy is...the mix of feelings that comes when the test is positive...the excitement of sharing the news with loved ones...the days where you cry at the drop of the hat...the days where you feel completely like crap...the days where you feel fantastic...the awe that you have created someone magical with your husband...the first movement in your tummy...the first time you hear the heartbeat...the first time it dawns on you that this is really real...the look of happiness on your husband's face whenever he feels the baby kick...those moments alone where it's just you and the baby...the laughter of your son when he feels the baby kick...the ups and downs that go along with bringing new life into the world...seeing your baby on ultrasound...watching your baby flip you off and give you the thumbs up sign at the same time...knowing that your baby is healthy...taking joy in making things for your impending arrival...the time you get to spend with family and friends far away in celebration of your upcoming birth...questioning whether or not you are going to be a good mother even though you know the answer...looking at yourself in the mirror and sometimes not recognizing yourself...looking at pictures from pre-pregnancy and not recognizing yourself...trying not to fear the pain of labor...daydreaming about what life will be like after birth...knowing it won't be as glamorous as it might appear...loving every moment whether good or bad...

Thinker...Not a Doer

Does anyone else have this issue?  I lay in bed at night imagining things.  For example...I exercise daily (meaning I am in superstar shape), I cook fantastic, healthy meals for dinner, I am super-organized (minus the anal-retentive part), I am fabulously artistic...you get the idea.

In these fantasies, everything happens flawlessly.  There is no mention of the blood, sweat, and tears that goes into establishing worth-while life lasting habits.  I can do it all wearing a huge smile on my face!

Then comes the actual implementation of said habit, or as I like to call it, THE REALITY CHECK.

If I can even get past the "idea stage" my new habit lasts...a day...maybe.  Why?  I actually have to work and plan for this good-for-you stuff!  How come no one ever told me about this?  Oh wait, they probably did.  I was just day dreaming when they told me.

If I get past the "idea stage" I then move to the "planning stage".  I like this phase.  My ideas move to paper and I make lists, usually with lots of COLOR!  Ideas look fantastic on paper, actually carrying them out...again, much more difficult.  This blog post is probably an extension of a planning phase for some great idea.

As wonder about why it is hard to establish healthy habits and research it, I have found that most people have a problem establishing good habits.  Most people have a problem breaking bad habits.  And most people have no problem with the initial establishment of the bad habit.  For example, I had no problem picking up smoking.  Quitting on the other hand...sucked!  I still struggle with it and I haven't smoked since September 2010.

Most people have heard the adage "It takes 21 days to change a habit."  I am hear to say "Baloney!"  A lot of research is now showing that is can take months to make a habit stick (the good ones anyway).  It also says that we will fall off the wagon more than a few times before the habit takes effect for good.

So what is holding me back from establishing my good-for-me habits?
*For the only time in my life I will use the excuse of pregnancy, but this will be over soon, so I need a new excuse.
*It's hard to leave my comfort zone of candy and the couch!
*I get discouraged quickly when I fail.
*I try to change too many habits at once.  This is overwhelming.
*I don't realistically consider the barriers to achieving my goals.
*It is sooo much easier to daydream about it than to get up and do it.

Someday I hope to be that fit, healthy person without all the effort.  Maybe I am getting closer to achieving my goals because I think about it more often.  All in all, I am very happy with my life, I just want to continue to improve my happiness.

I Sewed a Diaper Bag

Really.  I sewed it!  It took a lot of work...and patience.  Thank-you Bryon for helping me with the really tough stuff.  I only drew blood on myself three times. 

I learned a few things with this project:
1. How to sew a pocket.
2. How to sew using bias tape (which I am in love with now!)
3. How to place a magnetic snap

Here are the pics:

The Front

The Back

The Inside...With a Pocket!

Overall, this was a fun endeavor.  Here are some interesting links that I used while making this bag:

http://www.make-baby-stuff.com/free-diaper-bag-pattern.html (for the pattern)

http://www.make-baby-stuff.com/how-to-sew-a-zipper.html (for the pocket)

http://angrychicken.typepad.com/angry_chicken/2008/03/bias-tape-tutor.html (a great video for instructions on how to sew bias tape without swearing)



Happy Day After Valentine's Day!

Working nights means sometimes things don't get posted right away.  Here is a look into our V-day celebration Sunday!

I made cards for Bryon and Asher out of our scrapbooking stuff.

I also made double peanut butter cookies FROM SCRATCH!!  They were super yummy!!

I got two sock monkeys from Bryon and Asher!  They are very cute!!!!

Bryon made me and Asher scrapbooks!  He is very talented with his new hobby!  Mine made me tear up because it is soooo sweet!!

It was very fun making all of this!  I am rediscovering my crafty side and Bryon is showing his.

To all of my family and friends:  I love you all!!!!!

The 100 Thing Challenge

Yesterday, I finished reading Dave Bruno's The 100 Thing Challenge: How I Got Rid of Almost Everything, Remade My Life, and Regained My Soul.  This book left me feeling thoughtful.  How much stuff does any one person really need to survive in life?

His main point is regarding how consumerism has overtaken society.  We are caught in a vicious cycle of buying "things" and it is never enough.  I agree with that point.  How often have I bought something and only really been slightly satisfied with it?  I bought something that wasn't quite right to fulfill a need I had at the time.  Within a couple of months usually that item isn't even used anymore and I have probably already replaced it with something else that met my needs at that time.

I don't think I am ready for whittling my personal possessions down to 100 items.  However, I do feel ready to purge more of my stuff again.  When we moved out here to Washington from Kansas we packed a whole bunch of stuff that we didn't need but we weren't sure exactly of what we had.  We didn't have time to really go through it before the move.  Once we started unpacking we purged a lot of stuff.  We made a few trips to Goodwill and several items wound up just being trash.  It was a lightening feeling.  We have been here for eight months now and I feel the stuff starting to pile up again.  Once again, we are buying but not getting rid of things.  It's time for a purge!  Maybe it won't be to the extent that it was when we unpacked, but I think we could make a significant amount of space again.

So for now, I would like to set some simple goals for myself regarding possessions:

1. Before I buy an item, I need to think harder about if I really need it or not.
2. If I am replacing something, I need to get rid of the old possession right away.  It does not need to hide on a shelf somewhere to be found months later.
3. I need to evaluate the stuff I have now and consider if I truly need it or not.

I look at our bedroom and while very tidy (trust me it's not perfectly neat) it has clutter.  I was looking at it yesterday and wondering where we were going to put Appleseed.  That might be my first room to purge.  I might even document the process so others can see how it is going.

I have considered what items/products are going to be my downfalls, my temptation so to speak.  Books are number one.  I love books, I love to read books, I love to buy books, I love everything about books.  I think I could get rid of about 35-40% of what I have now though.  I have been trying to utilize the library much more instead of running to Barnes and Noble every time I want a book.  The book I just read I actually borrowed from the library.  My next downfall is clothes.  I have cut my clothes down multiple times and I still have too many!  I'm surprised how good I have been this pregnancy, I really haven't bought that many maternity clothes and if I do buy them it is on as needed basis.  I get in a really bad habit of clearance rack shopping and then coming home with all these clothes that had super deals on them.  I think it's okay to buy new clothes, but I should get rid of some of my old clothes whenever I buy new ones.  The third major downfall I have is lotions, cosmetics, etc.  I love to try new stuff!  The only problem is, I use the product a couple of times and then it goes under the sink with the other forgotten products.

I wonder how much money I could save.......I also wonder if I would really miss what I give up.  For some reason I don't think I will.

When I Grow Up...

When I was a kid I was very set in what I wanted to be when I grew up.  I don't remember what aspirations I had prior to the age of eight, but I do know that in second grade my mind was made up.

I was going to be an author.  Not just any type of author though.  I wanted to be the next Ann M. Martin, author of The Baby-Sitter's Club series.  I want to be exactly like her!  From the type of books she wrote to living single in an apartment in NYC with two cats.  I don't really remember writing a lot during this time, I just knew I wanted to be an author.

This dream of being a famous author evolved through the years.  In middle school I decided I wanted to be a poet.  Dark, depressing poetry was my specialty.  For my mom's birthday one year I gave her a binder of poetry I had written.  Needless to say, more than a few eyebrows were raised around Grandma's dining room table when that was passed around.  Poetry about contemplating the death of your parents isn't exactly a popular topic.

My penchant for dark writing did not end in middle school however.  My sophomore year of high school my English teacher practically dragged me out of the computer lab across the hall to the counselor's office over a 50-60 word assignment.  I wrote a memo about a hit man service.  I think I caused a lot of misconception about myself.  I wasn't this tormented dark soul crying out for help.  I had a way with words and just happened to be good at the dark stuff.

My ideal career morphed over the years but always included writing in some form through my freshman year of college.  By the time I hit my senior year of high school I had settled on being a journalist.

I figured journalism was a good career to write and still make a living.  I didn't want to pay my dues as a starving author until I hit the big leagues.  To gain experience, I joined the school paper, The Talon.  My previous experience with The Talon was sophomore year when I submitted an editorial poem about the superintendent.  He had chose not to cancel school one winter day and it was absolutely treacherous outside.  My poem referred to him as the evil snow king.  When it came time for the paper to be distributed, the staff had to pull out the page with my poem on it before they could hand it to a student.  Apparently, my writing could have been considered libel.

Anyways, senior year I was official staff.  There are several articles I am still proud of that I wrote.  I still have every issue from that year.

My freshman year of college I started out as a journalism major.  I was hired on to write for The Washburn Review.  For the first time, I was paid to write.  However, terrible habits of procrastination and just not enough time in the world made my job more of a burden than a joy.  I already worked 30 hours a week for a bank, took 18-21 credit hours a semester, joined a sorority, and was dealing with being away from home for the first time.  The saddest part was I didn't enjoy my journalism classes.  In fact I was bored stiff with them.  I decided after that year that this was not the career path I wanted to take.

What was I going to be when I grew up??

I became a biology major for all of a semester.  I suddenly had these aspirations of a becoming a pediatric oncologist.  Mind you, math and physical science have never been a strong suit for me.  My dreams died after taking general cellular biology (the entry level biology class for biology majors).  I failed miserably.  I never had to study hard before so my study habits were horrendous.  Not to mention the fact that I discovered how much fun college parties can be.  The only reason I retook the class was to get the F off of my record.  I squeaked by with a C.

So there I was at the tender age of 20 wondering what the hell I was going to do with the rest of my life.

I began to seriously consider nursing.  I was fascinated with the medical world and I like helping others. During this time my younger sister had become a CNA (certified nursing assistant) and always had great stories about her job.  A couple of sorority sisters were nursing majors and worked as CNAs and loved it.  I hadn't found anyone pursuing this career that had anything negative to say about it.

Because my career dreams had left me so burned previously I decided to begin my ascent into nursing slowly.  I would work on my prerequisites for the RN program and also obtain my CNA.  I figured if I couldn't handle being a CNA then there was no way I could handle being a RN.

My CNA class was easy breezy.  The only problems I had were that I lacked the muscle to transfer patients and I was petrified of the geriatric population.  Both of these issues resolved with time after I began to work as a CNA.  I began to enjoy my patient interaction as I became more comfortable and it was a highlight to my coworkers once I could transfer patients by myself.

After awhile I wanted to move up in the field so while I continued to work on my prerequisites I took another class and achieved my CMA (certified medication aide).  I trained on the med carts at work after I became certified and found that I enjoyed this part of nursing also.  Becoming a CMA had a later benefit in nursing school because I was very familiar with medications at this point.

Finally, I had only a handful of prerequisites remaining.  It was time to begin applying for BSN programs.  Well, program I should say.  I put all of my eggs in one basket.  Of course I was rejected.  Nursing programs are highly competitive and while my GPA was good, it was not fantastic.  The couple of semesters where my studies slacked were coming back to haunt me.

I was at a crossroads again.  Only this time I was sure of my destination.  It was the getting there that was the problem.  I knew I couldn't be in school forever and I couldn't make the living I wanted to with my current job.

I did some research about LPN programs.  I found a program one hour away from home that was the top rated in the state of Kansas.  I sent in my application and waited for a reply.  A couple of months later I received a letter from the school requesting an interview.  I was ecstatic!  A few weeks later, all decked out in my "interview" outfit, I was on the road to my interview.  Needless to say I was nervous.  Somehow I managed to show confidence and make it through the interview.  I left feeling unsure of how it would turn out.

 After a couple more nail biting weeks I received my acceptance letter.  I literally started jumping up and down for joy and then I started calling everyone.  I truly felt for the first time that I was nearing my destination.  This was my last big stop before RN school.

Fast forward nine months and I was graduating from LPN school.  During my second semester I reapplied for the same BSN program.  Shortly after graduation I received my acceptance letter into the BSN program.  If you though I was ecstatic about LPN school you should have seen me about RN school.

During my seven month wait to start RN school I took (and passed) my LPN boards, worked a lot of overtime, and took even more classes.

Once I was in RN school, I felt at my element.  I felt frustrated with "the system" many times (a lot of my classes were redundant) but overall I enjoyed my last two years of school.  The only major mishap was second semester when life outside of school was threatening to do me in.  I went through a very emotional point in my life and it almost set me back.  I persevered though and managed to pass my classes so I could continue to move forward.

December 2009 I did the one thing I had set out to do six years prior: I graduated from college!  In reality, I'd actually had this goal of a college degree since the second grade (only then I wanted a degree in English and I wanted to attend Smith College, just like Ann M. Martin).  All the hard work and struggles (self-induced or otherwise) were worth it.

Two days after graduation I sat for my RN boards and passed.  I have been working as a RN ever since.

This life journey is one I couldn't have made by myself.  I have had an excellent support system that has grown while I have grown.

So, this is one of the stories that explains who I am today.  What does my future career hold?  More school probably.  Luckily I know what field I want to be in, so it should be easier to stay on the path this time.  Not that the path I have taken has been a bad one.  It has many interesting diversions along the way.  I wanted to be a psychologist for a couple of months, a meteorologist, an astronaut, a teacher, a mortician, a ballerina, a storm chaser, and probably several other jobs (trapeze artist was on the list at one point). 

I've made the right decision about what I want to be when I grow up and I couldn't be happier.

Am I Being Unrealistic?

I started the rough draft of this entry at 0110 in the morning at work the old-fashioned way, with pen and paper.  As I am out and about and meeting new people and sometimes the people I know, pregnancy is a hot topic of conversation.  Lately some of my interactions with people have led me to question my goals for labor and delivery.  I find my self wondering if I am being unrealistic in what I would like to have happen.

First, I would like to say that I generally welcome advice regarding pregnancy, labor, and delivery.  It's not like I have experienced it before.  Every day is a new adventure.  However, with that being said, I can't say that I welcome it from EVERY woman that I meet who has been through this miraculous process.

I don't think I can judge any woman's goals, make her feel bad about her decisions, or tell her "It's not going to happen like that!"  Some decisions are personal/individual and should be made by the woman and her support person after educating themselves on all the options available.  I feel that my goals could be viewed as unrealistic if I have not educated myself, have not prepared to make those goals achievable, and have not prepared myself for alternative options in the case that something occurs and I can't follow through with my plan.  As for what these goals are, they are not important for the purpose of this writing.  I plan to address them in a separate post.

Ultimately, the NUMBER ONE goal is to have a healthy baby!!

There are women out there (not every woman, it is not my intent to lump everyone into the same category!) who seem to view their birth experience as the only experience out there.  Because they had to have a c-section, or pain meds, or had their baby naturally, for example means that no other woman out there can do it differently and if another woman has a different plan then they are being...unrealistic.

There are women out there who view childbirth as a competition, the who can top who with their "war stories".  Saying, "I throw up every day after breakfast" to these women can lead to them saying, "Oh, well, I threw up six times a day throughout my entire pregnancy, why I even had to go to the hospital twice for fluid replacement."  You will never win with these women, eventually you quit talking about your pregnancy at all around them because they aren't listening to you anyways!!!

Pregnancy, labor, and delivery are not, I repeat, ARE NOT, a competition!!!  Each experience is unique to the person experiencing it.  No two women have the exact same experience because each woman, each situation is unique, each baby is unique.  Each experience has it's own mitigating factors that lead to the final outcome!

Now, with all of that being said, I would like to give a BIG THANKS to the women out there who have offered me good advice!  These are the women who have shared their experiences with me and have also shared what they learned during those experiences.  These are the women who have listened to my goals and offered ways they may have prepared for similar situations.  There are women who I truly value their opinions because they recognize their birth experience as something unique to them and are interested in how I am making this a unique experience for myself and my family.  I have learned about valuable resources to explore and different approaches to handling roadblocks that may come up.

For those women out there who are expecting or will be in the future let me say congratulations!  I am happy that you get to experience something that will be very special and unique for you! 

And...if I ever turn into one of those battle-wounded women out there, do me a favor: TELL ME!